Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Seven years ago, we started, friends,
Acquaintances, commercially. Later, you worked
With me, sorting jewelry. Jarek thought
Us well suited, maybe a steady couple,
Figured we might enjoy, complement each other.
He said he saw you eyeing me.
I feared a disaster, but he said, "Blame me, Stanley!
You can always blame me for everything."
Last Saturday at the Pizzeria,
Ten AM in a very busy place,
Despite our aversion to public affection,
We lost ourselves in caress.
It was prolonged and remarkably tender.
We were standing up,
Up from our table and chairs for all to see.
God! I love to kiss you!
Later, a counterman asked, were we dating?
I heard him think, "Not bad!"
His eyes declared your beauty!
I wanted to agree, but answered, "No."
Passion strong, I want you.
Our love went awry.
You abandon every solemn promise,
Pull up stakes, leaving me at home alone, miserable.
Still wisdom counsels me to patience.
A doctor reminds me breaking bonds, the ties
Between lovers, not inconsequential,
She says, "It's not a change of shoes."
I followed her order, making an inventory.
I listed the virtues, the gifts and pleasures,
The good qualities about us. I put them to paper twice.
I started with our business acumen, noting, first,
Our mutual attention to detail, (we never misplaced,
Or lost a thing), then our discipline, we operated
Like clockwork, yet we always had fun,
Scouring tables and racks for hidden treasure,
And played games of show and tell.
We were a team, and business profited.
Next, continuing doctor's precept, I wrote,
We worked out personal protocols, settled on behaviors,
So to create wellbeing, daily, and household harmony.
I marked our mutual hope, the promise,
Carnal and spiritual fat, years of it. We felt
The dream of proverbial bounty, fantastic, was ours.
We were being brought unto a good land and a large,
Not unlike the fulfillment of the Biblical foretelling,
Unto a land flowing with milk and honey.
Reconsider the plus and the minus, love's ledger,
And your skill at cost accounting's good,
You must surmise how tiny the downside be,
And know the total burden amount to no great sum.
Frugal, you never needlessly cast away a thing.
Yet waste time. Squander the crafted continuum,
The more than a year and a half, our life to date,
Discard, wantonly, though you profess love,
And write of your ardor for me still.
Deaf to your beating bosom,
Refusing when you already knew,
You knew! Gott in Himmel! Ach der lieber!
You deny your soul, your very passion for a man,
Who would sacrifice his life for yours!
In early youth I learned love,
While listening to music on the radio.
When I lived in Germany, half a life ago,
American soldiers played it on the jukebox.
And I heard it from Sweden on the web today,
The youth channel, clear and loud,
Singer and song, similar or the same,
The moon, big and bright, in the Milky Way tonight,
Oh, Yes! Its lyric hollers. Time's a wasting,
There are kisses not tasted, and the hook repeats
Whole lot of living, whole lot of loving to do,
The life, the love and kisses! No one
Would I rather do it with than you.
You, that moon of song and yore,
Your reflected image, I had it in my net.
But when I went to pull it up, it sank,
Not like a fish, but as a large, awesome, golden coin.
A fisherman, I set to sea and trawl above
Muck and seaweed, and the debris of sunken vessels,
Seeking to net splendid satellite consort.
You ruin it, me being alone!
Overcome by yearning,
Believing I can no longer go on,
Face my life without you, I turn to this ritual.
I try to make matters worse.
It's a mental trick, a maneuver whereby
I practice the increase of my anguish, actually.
I call scenes of happy times to mind,
The wonders of our life together so far.
I recall the times I waited for you,
When I sat under the gazebo in early sun
At the Amish fairground in Columbus. The delight,
Carrying your purchases to our van,
Hurrying off to the next market stall,
There we chose fruit to last the week.
And then I hark back to the highway near Princeton,
The late sunlight dappled through trees,
And touched my arm at the window
In such a magic way, that, I told you the moment,
This present instance… the happiest in my life.
Oh, how good! How good! I, wide-awake,
Within eidetic dream, glimpsed the New Jerusalem,
Gott in Himmel. Alles geht gut mit der Welt!
When these among my fondest day dreams
Have truly knocked my spirits flat,
I return, again, I recall one instance more, one more,
Still another rapture and bring it to the fore,
It is then! Then I know I can withstand anything!
I am not weeping, just weary with you in my mind.
I weep when angry, then I weep.
Were I not completely drained, I would weep more.
I, I saw the situation was wrong right from the start,
Though I thought things might be different between us.
Over and over, again and again, every day's a rerun,
Countless slights, indignities, lack of common courtesy,
Little or no gratitude, without faith in God's abiding love.
I wrote you letters. I said your bad behavior hurt me.
At the breaking point and wanting out,
I was desperate, fearing I would lose you forever,
I believed your plea and vow.
"Take me back and I'll change. I'll be good, I swear!"
I made you put it in writing,
And for a short while things improved,
Though, ultimately, what you wrote meant nothing.
You lead me on.
Your rearing has not allowed veracity.
About our relationship, you told no one, not even you.
The more you revealed to me,
Once I learned your dark history,
Became privy to your secret habit,
The more, the more distant love grew
The truth, your personal truth sundered us.
Help me, be my friend and
Come back home and sleep with me again.
Take the key and open the door,
See the beckoning path,
It lies right there before you,
Learn what countless generations know,
Willingness to change brings us life that works.
A small step prepares the leap.
Remember the sweet, sweet caresses.
Tarry not! How soon all opportunity vanishes,
Consider the moment, the public affection,
If not for you, please, for me.
The hurly-burly of time overwhelms us.
No significance remains, boundless and bare,
Darling, the lone and level sands stretch far away.
Posted by STANLEY PACION at 6:40 PM